The Start For Big Mama

I really should change the cat litter since that is all I can smell right now but I don’t feel like it.  That about sums up the reason why I am fat in the first place.  I don’t feel like doing much of anything. But, I am going to work on changing this terrible habit I’ve created and I’m inviting you all along for the ride.  It won’t be fun at times but I have been known to be quite amusing and creative so hopefully that will keep you reading for the long haul.  And

This is me on my wedding day.....

This is me on my wedding day…..

it will be long.  I have 150 pounds to lose to get to the weight I should be for my height and 170 to lose to get to where I would feel comfortable in a bikini (HA!) so hang in there and cheer me on.  I’m going to need as much encouragement as I can get.

That said, I am 38, I live in Maryland and I’m a lesbian.  My wife and I have a son, we’ll call him Spuddy here, and he is three going on thirty.  I’d like to say that he is the reason I am losing the weight but I’ve used him as an excuse before and didn’t shed a pound.  I’m losing it this time because I went to the doctor last month and she told me that since I refused to lose weight on my own, it was bariatric surgery or death.  My family has a history of heart problems and it is only a matter or time before it catches up with me.  I also have sleep apnea and narcolepsy – when I sleep it’s with the help of a machine and when I don’t use it I usually wake up choking from a dream where I stopped breathing.  The narcolepsy has me dozing all day at work and sometimes at home if I sit for too long.  I have a long commute to and from work and I have also dozed off while driving (scaring the crap out of myself).

I can’t ride a roller coaster – or any other ride with a seat belt for that matter.  My back has started aching constantly and I can’t even wipe my own rear end properly.  When I get home from work all I want to do is sleep.  My son wants me to play but I can’t even sit comfortably on the floor.  It’s sad and disgusting and as I sit here being more honest than I ever have before, I’m ashamed….and embarrassed that I’ve let myself go to this extent.

I’ve tried every diet out there with the most luck coming from Weight Watchers but I can never keep it off once I lose it with them and I hate counting points.  The thing is, I know what I have to do and I don’t need a book or a pill or a group to tell me.  I need to cut my portions down, drink water, exercise and stop feeling sorry for myself.  While I am my worst critic at times I am also my own enabler.  If I have a bad day at work I “treat” myself to a foot long steak sub and french fries.  If I’m tired I tell myself that I “deserve” a rest because I am always on the go.  If I’m angry or frustrated about something I “soothe” my feelings with a hot fudge sundae and ignore the situation instead of confronting it.

I have had many challenges in my life from growing up dirt poor to not having money for college and then marrying an abusive man but I am finally at a point in my life where I can say that I am at peace with my past and I am ready for a future that will blow my first 30 years out of the water.

That being said, it’s time for me to get up and change that litter and start moving.


About Mama Dawnee

Hi! I'm Dawn, a web developer by day, mama to my handsome son, 3 dogs and 2 cats, a wife, a home maker, a DIY enthusiast and a deal searching blogger in my free time. I've lived in Maryland all my life and I love to travel.
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