I really should change the cat litter since that is all I can smell right now but I don’t feel like it. That about sums up the reason why I am fat in the first place. I don’t feel like doing much of anything. But, I am going to work on changing this terrible habit I’ve created and I’m inviting you all along for the ride. It won’t be fun at times but I have been known to be quite amusing and creative so hopefully that will keep you reading for the long haul. And
it will be long. I have 150 pounds to lose to get to the weight I should be for my height and 170 to lose to get to where I would feel comfortable in a bikini (HA!) so hang in there and cheer me on. I’m going to need as much encouragement as I can get.
That said, I am 38, I live in Maryland and I’m a lesbian. My wife and I have a son, we’ll call him Spuddy here, and he is three going on thirty. I’d like to say that he is the reason I am losing the weight but I’ve used him as an excuse before and didn’t shed a pound. I’m losing it this time because I went to the doctor last month and she told me that since I refused to lose weight on my own, it was bariatric surgery or death. My family has a history of heart problems and it is only a matter or time before it catches up with me. I also have sleep apnea and narcolepsy – when I sleep it’s with the help of a machine and when I don’t use it I usually wake up choking from a dream where I stopped breathing. The narcolepsy has me dozing all day at work and sometimes at home if I sit for too long. I have a long commute to and from work and I have also dozed off while driving (scaring the crap out of myself).
I can’t ride a roller coaster – or any other ride with a seat belt for that matter. My back has started aching constantly and I can’t even wipe my own rear end properly. When I get home from work all I want to do is sleep. My son wants me to play but I can’t even sit comfortably on the floor. It’s sad and disgusting and as I sit here being more honest than I ever have before, I’m ashamed….and embarrassed that I’ve let myself go to this extent.
I’ve tried every diet out there with the most luck coming from Weight Watchers but I can never keep it off once I lose it with them and I hate counting points. The thing is, I know what I have to do and I don’t need a book or a pill or a group to tell me. I need to cut my portions down, drink water, exercise and stop feeling sorry for myself. While I am my worst critic at times I am also my own enabler. If I have a bad day at work I “treat” myself to a foot long steak sub and french fries. If I’m tired I tell myself that I “deserve” a rest because I am always on the go. If I’m angry or frustrated about something I “soothe” my feelings with a hot fudge sundae and ignore the situation instead of confronting it.
I have had many challenges in my life from growing up dirt poor to not having money for college and then marrying an abusive man but I am finally at a point in my life where I can say that I am at peace with my past and I am ready for a future that will blow my first 30 years out of the water.
That being said, it’s time for me to get up and change that litter and start moving.